Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke.

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Imagine being 85.
A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day.
Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer.
Well, that"s not for everyone of course.
Some of us arn"t fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.

Gutted you didn't get a ticket for Glastonbury this year?

Just put 12 different cd's on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.

I've just been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in!

My wife said she's leaving me to go and live with her mum in Australia because I make a song and dance about everything.

She's leaving on a jet plane, don't know when she'll be back again.....

That settles it, I'm never going back to Yorkshire again.

I went into the local department store and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary.

My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it.
Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.
She's a cracker.

Sorry we missed you.

Your parcel has been taken back to our sorting office because:

☐ You were in the shower
☐ You were pissing
✓ You fuc*ing blinked

During a sermon, the vicar hands around a donation plate.
One of the people attending, a gay man, pulls out a huge wad of twenty pound notes and places it on the plate.
When the plate is returned, the vicar sees the wad of notes, gasps and says, "can the kind person who donated such a generous amount please stand up?"
The gay man stands up. "You are very generous sir," says the vicar, "you may choose your three favourite hymns."
The gay bloke looks around, points and says, "I"ll have him, him and him."

When the Princess had a child they fired a 21 gun salute.

When the nun had a child they fired a dirty old Canon.