I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?.........
My new girlfriend whipped out my cock for the first time today! She said "Where"s the best place to rub?" I said "Probably not on this bus!"
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT? My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush "Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi". "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me" she said, offering her arm to her friend again... "Does that smell like come to you?"
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there". The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
A bloke goes to the doctors to get some test results and the doctor says " ah..Mr Thompson I think you'd better sit down, I've got some rather bad news for you however I've also got some good news. What would you like first?" The bloke says " I'll have the bad news first Doc " Doctor says" you've only got 2 weeks to live " The bloke replies " Jesus Christ, only 2 weeks to live, what's the good news?" Doctor says " I f@cked my secretary this morning "
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was. I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."
Stevie Wonder - 7 kids David Blunkett - 5 kids Ray Charles - 12 kids I think it's safe to say it's not wan*ing that makes you blind.
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a DIY shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.' Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?' The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'
A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water." "Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard." The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water."I"m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner. The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I"ll die." "Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner. His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?" "I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it"s a trifle bazaar."
Me and a mate were standing in a club. As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it." She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it." She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.
I read that if you masturbate with a dead arm it increases the experience by 50%, so I tried it. Absolutely mind blowing but it ruined my Gran's funeral.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts there.
