A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club. She say "me so horny, me do anythin for you" Bloke says "how a bout a 69?" She says "you fcuk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"
BREAKING NEWS: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes. That way they'll have something to lift in May...
Murphy asks Paddy "Why are you talking into dat dere envelope ?" Paddy replies "I'm sending a voice mail, yer feckin eejit !"
My wife asked me to pass her Lip Balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me......
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness" she exclaimed "I was expecting to see a foot". "Well" he said "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere".
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “No Donald Trump!” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits! Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don"t you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy"s thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that"s how you get babies." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that"s sweet, but that"s not how you get babies. That"s how you get jewellry."
Valentines day............ Dinner: £80.... Taxi fare: £10.. Hotel: £250... And the look on your face when she says "I'm on my period: ....... "Priceless !!..
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!.
Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years- old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie"s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I"m asking for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "in Susie"s room. It"s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "okay then how will you live? You"re not old enough to get a job, You"ll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "our allowance: Susie makes five pounds a week and I make ten pounds a week. That"s about sixty pounds a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won"t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "that won"t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse."
As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off. Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
Took my wife to the doctor today to get treatment for her Tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have it, I am a **** and she really does want me to **** off.
An Israeli doctor once said "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work." The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all way behind us. Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland. Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!!"
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?" "Ummm... 4!" the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?" "Ummm... 10!" the blonde says. "Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" "Ummm... I don't know," she admits. "Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case !!"
If you ever feel like your Life is meaningless, worthless and totally pointless. * * Just remember there's someone out there fitting Indicators on BMWs.
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fùck him?"
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
