Urgent help needed

Hello boys (and girl, maybe)

I'm hosting an awards night for a local amateur football team tomorrow and need to write some material. Trouble is, i'm nowhere near as funny as i thought i was and i don't have any jokes.

So...can anyone help out and supply me with some football related jokes, annecdotes? ANYTHING?

As with uni i have left it to the last minute and am now ****ed.

Even if it's just one joke i'll be happy.

Tom Hanks!

 

I once thought I was in a morgue. pause. Turned out to be the Riverside Stadium

 

Here's one that was on here a little while ago.

Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourniho are standing before God whose sitting on his throne at the pearly gates of Heaven. God looks down at them, and says, "Before granting you a place in heaven, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Wenger first, he asks "What do you believe, my son?" Wenger looks God in the eye, and states passionately,"I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Old Trafford, to the mansions of Highbury. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those people who stand sit in the stands at the Emirates ..." God wipes a tear from his eye with his Arsenal shirt, looks up, and offers Wenger a place in heaven, which he gracefully accepts. He then turns to Ferguson, "And you, Mr Ferguson, what do you believe?" Ferguson replies "I believe Alan Smith should be starting for England, as he's ace" God, turns to Ferguson and sends him straight to hell as he has committed the immortal sin of talking bollocks.

Finally, leaving the best until last, he turns to Mouriniho. "And you, Mr Mouriniho, what do you believe" "I believe...", he replies, "you're in my seat..."

 

i know i'm a toss arse for posting this plea but thank you all very much. Genuinely, thank you!

 

A School teacher in liverpool asks the class how many of them support Liverpool. All the kids put up their hands, except Billy. Teacher asks who he supported, "Arsenal" says Billy, the teacher asks why, Billy says "My parents both come from London and they support them so i do too". The teacher says "you dont have to copy your parents, what would you do if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a burgler" Billy replies "i'd support Liverpool like you ****s"

 

A little bit more.

Steve Bruce was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!
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On transfer deadline day today Emile Heskey has been spotted at Newcastle.

Though, to be fair, he was probably aiming for Middlesbrough.
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Rob Green has kept his place in the England squad after a day long training session in which he had over a thousand shots fired at him and didn't conceed a single one. After this Capello has agreed to let him train with the rest of the squad tomorrow.......
..........Emile Heskey however has been told to keep practising.

 

Last one:

I dont know why Fulham fans are complaining. I'm sure their statue was cheaper than the 50m Chelsea paid for theirs.

 

26 million people in the country support liverpool...... taxpayers

 

this is the best 1 lol

 

I organised a threesome for last night
There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time

 

Brilliant lads love it. It's in Liverpool too so it's even better!

 

It's not Robert Greens fault England didn't win the World Cup last Summer, it's John Terry's, as if he had of slept with Greens Wife, Green wouldn't of went! Rep?

 

My favourite phrase since I first heard it at a Spartans game!

 

Why do Pigeon's fly upside down around Liverpool?

nothing worth sh**ing on.

 

try sickapedia

 

fao

Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...

 

Haha