Take a drink if 1. Kay commits one of her many acts of utter selflessness (taking in junkies, harbouring war criminals etc.) 2. Killmarnock Sheriff Court appears on screen 3. A court case is mentioned 4. Dana mumbles incoherently 5. A character gets pregnant 6. You see a female in a ridiculously revealing outfit, considering their portly frame 7. Marvin is 'happy as larry' 8. You feel sorry for Kendal 9. You wonder if Chris really is twenty 10. You wonder just how old Marvin is. Seriously, he could be anything between 23 or 48. 11. Kay blurts out the C word in front of her impressionable young children 12. A character is seemingly optimistic about their future, only for this to be revealed to be ridiculous or the result of diazepam 13. The cameraman tries to make it look "artsy" and atmospheric - i.e. a still shot of two pint glasses in dishwater/a lone mushroom in a garden/puddles 14. Every time you see a baby with lightning bolts shaved into his head. 15. When somebody online does can not realise the difference between 'cancellation' and 'postponement' 16. Every time a mother says "ma son widnae dae 'at" when, for example, he is convicted of calling an Asian a "Bin Laden bastard". 17. Every time someone mentions the far-off land of gainful employment in a nostalgic or disgusted tone. 18. Every time bam tunes comes on eh radio. 19. Every time the *****phile cult of Ayrshire rears its ugly head. 20. Every time you don't understand what they're saying (Edinburgh edition: Any time you DO understand what they're saying). 21. Someone smokes a ***. 22. They play a far too cheery tune inbetween each dilemma. 23. Chris puffs up his cheeks after taking a draw of a *** 24. Every time someone says 'ken wit, that's no fair' 25. A Rangers or Celtic top appears on screen 26. Every time someone says 'cawr' (Killie for car) or 'coort' (Killie for court). 27. Every time ''giro' is mentioned 28. If someone tries to pontificate with something profound and deep and fails miserably 29. A parent look worryingly and deep into the camera and show their concern over their children who are about to go to jail and have an apparent drug/drinking problem and say, 'i just dont want them to have a life like meeeeeeee.' 30. Take a drink everytime the camera focuses on Chris and you wonder out loud whether he has Down Syndrome. 31. When Chris is clutching a bottle of Buckfast in his baws Down your drink: 1. Any time Bullet runs off 2. If (and when) Bullet finally pops his cloggs 3. If a character appears out of the Sheriff Court inconsolable that, even considering their son's seven prior convictions, their little pride and joy is going down for 9 months 4. When a pregnant character purports to be anti-abortion whilst having a *** 5. If Marvin finally has a full-on cross-species relationship with Bullet 6. If you see someone's Bebo/tacky freewebs site on screen 7. If the community centre, after full renovation, gets torched to the ground. 8. If you see a person wearing a suit for reason other than a job interview or court appearance. 9. If Gordon finally gets a job. 10. If Marvin actually turns out to be 'The Secret Millionaire' or heir to the throne of Aruba. 11. If you recognise someone onscreen that served you in McDonalds 12. If one of our beloved Kilmarnockonians (is that a word?) appears on the Jeremy Kyle Show 13. When a glass bottle gets smashed over someones head. Then smash the bottle/glass you're drinking from (preferably not over another person, I can't be bothered with a lawsuit) 14. When Dayna shows "shes no a dafty" gets her tag aff and smashes Marvins cousin 15. Every time you find yourself thinking "I wish I could afford something like that". 16. When eh polis come to Kay's B&B. 17. If Marvin's Plasma and Playstation ever turn up 18. If Gordon cashes one of his rings into Cash4Gold 19. Whenever you see a huge irony in a family not being to able to afford for one kid, yet can easily manage to take a child's friend 20. When Kimberley gets grounded. 21. When Kendal calls someone a '*****' 22. When Kimberly nearly decapitates an innocent bystander with her 'graceful' dancing! 23. When Marvin batters a 'pregnant' women 24. When Chris introduces you to the tarroooops. 25. When you sense the big irony everytime Kimberley said that Dancing is all about presentation and then you take one look at her. 26. Every time wee Kendal says something that makes you think she is, by some distance, the most intelligent one on the scheme despite only being about 5. (read less) While the BBC sort out the next two episodes so that they're not in contempt of court, learn the rules!
especially if this is on the down it list 26. Every time wee Kendal says something that makes you think she is, by some distance, the most intelligent one on the scheme despite only being about 5
30. Take a drink everytime the camera focuses on Chris and you wonder out loud whether he has Down Syndrome.
Shamelessly nicked from elsewhere Mah name is Big Marvin, Ah stay in Onthank. Mah dug is a legend, mah burd is a skank. Ah'm big tall and skinny and my eyes huv now sank, Ah swagger aboot like I'm built like a tank. Ah like tae get high on prescription drugs, When ah've nae food, Ah'll just eat the dugs. It's no big, and it's no clever, But ah scoop turps tae clean oot mah liver. Ah'm happy as Larry, ah'm high as a kite, Mah breeks are stinking o pish, sweat and ****e. Mah life on the drugs has taken it's toll, but it's no stopping me fae getting mah hole. We shag on the bed, we shag on the rug, Mah wee darling angel, Bullet the dug!
No, it's a show on a par with Big Brother etc - voyeurism!! Making “TV celebs” about the low life scum that have no will or want to get a job, and who will happily live of the dole and get a free ride forever! Teaching their “spawn” that it’s better to be an alkie/junky waster than actually to fend for yourself! A show that BBC Scotland has wasted good money on producing/commissioning!
christopher cunningham? dont know wit ad dae afoot him, hes everythiin to me, hes mine and shall be forever, no more **** ups this time o’kae? thnx, we have a good banter but you’ve gotta be there haa! a fancy the baws aff him lmfao, don’t know how a coped without him before, but he couldn’t resist smacking the lips on me that night in sharn broons new year party haha aw what a laugh we had that nyt, best nyt ever tbh! U wer so comin onto me pml am glad it happened at that time coz it was a new year and a fresh start and u just completed my resoloutions hunnie, lol a know u wanted me but hey uve got me now so lets live life like we’ve planned babe, he knows alot about me n a know alot about him <3 hes always there fur me n wur closer and stronger than ever afore! naecunt will cum atween us. hes the reason for the smile on my face. we have the odd fallout but hoo disny. especially when wur drinkin lol. but he still loves me. only makes us stronger! we'r forever n we know it. already made plans to get a wee private let together an settle doon <3 love um more than chocolate n thats sayin suhin lol. ko babe your my world dont change!
