The Hornet's Nest

I suspect they want the 'exclusive' in the paper so people will actually buy it! A more probing interview would be nice as well

 

BBW yep I`m english would you care to trade ,your in a warm place ,but want to be cold,I`m in a cold place and want to be warm!!! makes sense to me

Havent most revelations in this drawn out takeover saga usually come on a friday?!

 

Belated welcomes to Greg and Oxhey for later

 

It is great isn't it, Leonardo! I absolutely love it. The only problem is the drive home once you are done. You get so used to driving a go-kart, that you forget you can't floor your car around a round-a-bout.

I went on holiday to France with my family a few years back. Me and my brothers decided to go go-karting (family tradition when on holiday). Now, we are all hugely competitive. Many tennis rackets/badminton rackets/squash rackets/lemon meringue pies/PlayStation controllers have been broken by the "Wooter Brothers" due to this competitiveness (I like to use "competitiveness" as an excuse to hide my deep rooted anger management issues). So, after completing the French health and safety briefing ("This, go. This, brake. No crash"), we pulled out onto the track. No-one else was around, so we made the most of it and got into a really good battle.

After about 10 minutes on the track, some middle-aged local French men turned up. They were both wearing shirts and smart shoes. Classic go-karting attire. My brothers and I seemed to take their introduction onto the track as an insult. An insult to British pride. French people, attempting to better us with their driving "skills". Needless to say we completely terrorised them. I mean, you can't blame us. They were going so slow.

After a short while I caught up with them. I was travelling full speed along the back straight. The paisley shirt of the cheese-eater in front of me rasping in the wind, whilst the excess Brut splashed off and into my eyes. The tight hair-pin was fast approaching. The Frenchman began to break. "What is he doing?!" I think to myself. "You can take this corner much faster". To prove this to him, I accelerated past him, and swiped him off the track as the back end slid out. I turned back to ensure I hadn't maimed him, only to see a very angry man pointing the wrong way in the gravel, waving his fist at me.

I then caught up with one of my brothers. He was being held up by some awful Peugeot driving idiot, travelling at 50% walking pace through the tight, intricate section of the track. The track finally opened out to a moderate straight which lead straight into a hairpin. This didn't leave any room for an over-take, but it was vital my brother got past. If he was held back any longer, he would have practically been reversing. Exiting the corner onto the moderate straight, he floored it. The Frenchman, checking over his shoulder, bravely accelerated in a lewd attempt to block my brother and prevent him over-taking. The straight was coming to an end, and the beginning of the hair-pin beckoned. It was now or never. As the local applied the brakes, my brother did not. He continued, full speed straight into the back of the kart in front. As I sped past, I could see the Frenchman coughing and spluttering in a cloud of tyre smoke, holding his neck, trying to stop the whiplash from hurting. My brother sped off into the sunset to claim a respectable lap time considering the circumstances.

When we finished and walked into the "club house" to check out our times, the two Frenchman were sitting at a table, dishevelled, wishing they were at home. Their shoes were covered in the dust from the gravel. Their immaculate hair sweaty, looking like they had just woken up. Shirts untucked. Imagine what sort of reception Hitler would get if he walked through a synagogue. This is how it felt when they looked at us.

 

Great story BBW and beautifully written too,

 

Morning all...more sunshine here, blosssom on the pear tree, blackbirds chirping away, all's right with the world etc.

NZ, astonishing! I pick up a grime-encrusted book by Dr Hessayon and it turns out to be one of 50 million sales. I used to write the odd text book or two...happy if they sold 8,000!

 

ahhh! Theo ,some words of advice for our new aspiring author BBW perhaps!!

 

BBW - great story - can see why you are a budding writer

 

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Qlease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
















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Excellent Norway - Bolton will like that

 

Norway

That was brlliant!!

 

norway. I oftened wondered whether the answers were apochryphal - the musings of a bored civil servant.

Until one day I was part of a bemused crowd in the local botanical gardens in my home town, watching a group of tourists searching for drop bears. They did look rather wet, but it was the middle of summer, temperature was 44 degrees C, humidity in the 90's and I didn't want to get too close just in case......

 

I suspect they are a mixture of truth and apocryphal - for example the "follow up" of hippos to Vienna Boys is rather unlikely but makes a great joke

 

Did state they were true anecdotes!!! You gotta love antipodean humour! Google Kevin bloody Wilson and have a listen ! some amusing stuff there if a bit blue!

 

I am a firm believer in conspiracy theories and I find it very peculiar that the weekend Ak is coming over the club look like it will change hands finally. And just where did all that money Icesave "mislaid" go?

 

- of course - silly of us all not to have realised earlier

 

In compensation for the world-wide disruption caused by their View attachment 1902 erupting?

 

Nice volcano BB getting quite the Artist ,You must have heard of Mr K wilson !

 

Yes, norway - I've heard of, and seen live, KB Wilson. Have also seen Rodney Rude live - both are 'iconic' Aussie comedians who made it to the top (in Oz anyway) by word of mouth, without the help of radio or tv. They're both still banned on air to this day as far as I'm aware.

You weren't considered normal in Oz if you didn't have a copy of KBW's 'Your Average Australian Yobbo' back in the 80's!

 

Great material after a few beers with your mates