My wife came into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurses outfit last night. "Do you need some help sir?" She said with a wink. "Yes," I replied. "I feel sick." "Ooh, do you now," she giggled. "Yes, so put some clothes on you fat ****."
A police man just stopped me in the park with my dog and said, "If you leave that dog mess there you will face a penalty." I used to play in goal a bit for school so I thought, **** it, and took my chances.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat **** face!"
A man walked into a bar with a Tiger The man said to the bar "Do you serve black people?" Barman replied "Ofcourse, we're not racist here" Man said "Great, I'll have a pint and a black man for the tiger"
Racist Joke Alert santa visits a childrens hospital comes to the first bed, white lad with no legs. Santa says, & what would you like for Xmas, young boy Boy replies: well i allways wanted to be a footballer, but ive got no legs. Santa digs into his sack, & pulls out a brand new set of legs for him Great says the lad Santa visits the next bed White girl with no arms, santa says & what would you like for xmas Girl replies, well ive allways wanted to be a tennis player, but i have no arms Santa delves into his sack, & pulls out a brand new set of arms, girl sticks them on, says cheers santa. Santa goes to the 3rd bed, black lad with just a head Santa says & what would you like for xmas little boy The kid replies: well ive allways wanted to be a body builder, but i have no body santa goes into his sack, rummages around for a bit, then pulls out a piece of string And says : how do you fancy being a conker
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend called Lorraine but he was cheating on her with a girl called Claire Lee. Unfortunately Lorraine died. At her funeral my mate stood up and sand "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone" I'm here all week
A boy walks into his parents room and sees them shagging, the bloke turns to the boy laughs at him and closes the door A few days later he hears a noise from the boys room He opens the door and the boys says it's no so funny now i'm shagging your mum
My mate just rang up in tears, his missus has left him taking his Prize Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish. Poor bastard, no woman no sky.
Knock knock? Who's there? Its me mummy, its Maddie. But.... But it cant be. I know, Im just ****ing about Kate, its Gerry, I forgot my key.
