Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ****ers I'm putting next to them"
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Rick, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Rick, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: 'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.' 'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.' The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was. 'Wull,' said Rick, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.....' It is people like Rick who prove the former PM, Robert Muldoon's contention that Kiwi migration to Australia raises the average IQ of both countries
Billy - Friggin CLASSIC one eh. I think a couple of words before “buggers “have been deleted from your version compared to the one have which I have! Watch out for Haggis when he gets on
An Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Arvo Bro! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi." Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Yo dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Aussie gets a look of extreme shock on his face. Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Is this fella your owner?" pointing at the Aussie. Dog: "Yep." Kiwi Ventriloquist: "How does he treat ya?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, rubs me down below, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Aussie’s expression of disbelief doesn't change. Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to ya horse?" Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Yo horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Aussie gets even more shocked. Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep." Kiwi Ventriloquist: "How's he treat ya?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down after and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Now the Aussie has a look of total amazement on his face. Kiwi Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" To which the Aussie replied,[NSFW] "The sheep's a liar I tell you"[/NSFW]
Thats the thing with the arseholes from across the ditch, we can laugh at ourselves!!! Even i chuckled at that joke Billy!!! I will steal that, although i will be switching the countries...
Colin, the Aborigine A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when the re was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and hoke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'
A letter home from a soldier from Eromanga, far south west Queensland Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila
