This time lets stay away from baby/child rape and racism, and anything else that's going to set the 'do gooders reading a thread clearly titled most shocking jokes in hope of finding a nice clean joke and forced to read distasteful offensive material' off on a tangent. Ill kick it off.... What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment
I like to play chess with bald men in the park......................although it’s hard to find 32 of them.
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys,tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather pissedd off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan".
David Beckham was talking to his son about football. His son said, "Dad. When I get to play for a club, what nuber shirt do you think I will wear." Beckham replied................................ Wear 4 out there Romeo
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. ****! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. ****! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
went to a pub quiz in rampant horse last night ,first question they asked was what are you ****ing looking at ?
Once upon a time there were two identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to. Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience. So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said: "Sir, are you the front end of an ass?" The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said. "Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued. "No, I'm not," the stupid man replied. "Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!" The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over. When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened. "Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish." So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty. Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked: "Sir, are you the front end of an ass?" "No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee. "Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued. "No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee. "Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world. But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said: "**** off you red-nosed ****."
An English Man,Irish man and Scottish man working on the side on a building site.. The Forman informs the lads the site is due an inspection and if they are asked there names to just make one up.. The following day the hss inspector turns up and makes his way over to the English man and asks his name He has a quick look around at the local shops and quickly replies.. "William " "William Hill " The inspector bumps into the Scottish man on the scaffold and asks his name.. The Scott quickly looks around And replies "Thomas" "Thomas Cook" The inspector carries on his work and comes up to paddy digging away.. Can I ask your name says the inspector.. Paddy has a quick look around and replies "Ken" Ken what says the inspector "Ken-Tucky fried Chicken!!!
Apparently you're not supposed to say "black paint" anymore. Now you're supposed to say "Levi, paint my house"
A mate of mine said he was going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Italian Island. I told him, "Don't be Sicily". How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.
My wife's just finished a 12 hour shift. I knew she'd find first gear eventually. A nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & the Ants sheet music they'll throw in a "stand & deliver."
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad." The guard asked, "What's his name?" The child replied, "Granddad." The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?" The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and women with big tits."
Golfers Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round. His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the arse and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,” and all she said was, “You'll need a jumper!”
A bloke has a bird cage on the bartop -with a sheet cover over IT. A man walks over and asks , what's it all about,? I'm givin this bird ere away, To any one who takes it, but I gotta warn ya -this ere bird , needs no looking after, It is completely Indestructible . "Bollocks" the 2nd man says, but Intrigued,takes it on, gets it home, reveals the bird from undercover, and sees it's a small budgie, shadowboxing around the cage unceassingly. Watching for a while through beer goggles, "shrugs" & hops to bed, in the morning ,the budgie is still shadow boxing unceasinglly. The bloke comes home from work with a KESTREL, thinking it would b good company. The blokes , back now turned & the two birds start scrapping, in a minute , the kestrel is dead , with the budgie, still shadow boxing ,,unremittingly around the floor of It's cage. The bloke- flabbergasted, thinks back to the words of the bird sellers ," Warning " "This bird is Indestrucible,." the bloke now says to the budgie , so your a hard case are ya, Rightio I'm going too fix you , Sunshine. The budgie ignores the bloke, and continues shadowboxing. The bloke Immediaetly goes to buy the biggest bird of Prey, he can find, A BALD EAGLE. Returns home , throws the two birds together, for the final time, he thinks. Nothing can beat an Eagle, he muses. And as he cannot watch the upcoming slaughter, throws the sheet over the cage, stands aback and the allmighty fight begins under the sheet, with the cage sides, pounding, & bending, e.t.c. After two full minutes, silence, nothing's moving, trembling the bloke reaches and removes the sheet, only to witness the eagle stone cold dead, and the budgie still shadow boxing, only a little more slower , tentataviley, (edit)... 2 of the budgies feathers are strewn on the cage floor, and the others on his frame are all standing on edge, and wistfully obscure, shocked , the bloke looks down on the little budgie, and finally says, Bloody hell - he nearly got ya did'nt he. With that the budgie stops shadow boxing , looks up at the Man - and says NAH - I ONLY HAD TOO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF FOR THIS ONE.-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A Beautiful Blonde Woman goes in to the Dry Cleaners too pick up - her little black dress - On the way out - the woman at the till - says "COME" "again" . With that comment - the blonde looks back and screeches "NO" YOU NOSY BITCH - It's Cream sauce. This time.
A Sergeant Major in the British Army is drilling his latest bunch of recruits: "'eft,right,eft,right,eft,right,eft,right,pick yer bleedin' feet up" ... when the Commanding Officer appears. Motioning the Sergeant Major to come to him the CO says: "I say, Sar Majah, have you got a chappy Brown in your squad"? "Brown, sah, yessah. I've got a Brown sah"! says the SM "Well" says the CO "I'm afraid I've got some terrible news for him. I'm sorry to say that his Mother has passed away" "I'm sorry to hear that sah" says the SM "I'll tell him straight away sah"! "Just one thing Sar Majah" says the CO "Break it to him gently. Use a bit of good old British Army tact Sar Majah" "British Army tact" said the SM "British Army tact. I'll remember that sah. British Army tact. Leave it to me sah"! Returning to his squad the Sergeant Major continued: "eft,right,eft,right,eft,right pick yer bleeding feet up. Squad HALT! Le-eft TURN! Private Brown, one pace FOR-WARD! YOUR MOTHER's DEAD"! On hearing this the CO called the SM over and quietly said "I say Sar Majah. That was a bit sharp old chap. Now if this happens again Sar Majah, remember, British Army tact. Good old British Army tact"! "British Army tact, good old British Army tact" said the SM "I'll remember that if there's a next time sah. British Army tact."! A fortnight goes by and the Sergeant Major is drilling his squad again when the Commanding Officer appears. Motioning the SM over the CO say's "That poor chappy Brown Sar Majah. I'm afraid his Father has passed away. Now I don't want a repeat of that debacle when his Mother died so remember Sar Majah, British Army tact this time. Good ol British Army tact".! "Don't worry sah" said the SM "I'll remember this time sah. British Army tact ,sah. Good old British Army tact sah." The SM returned to his drill instruction "eft,right,eft,right,eft,right,eft,right, pick yer bleeding feet up. Squad HALT! Le-eft TURN! Nah then, all you who have Fathers still alive - one pace FORWARD! WHERE ARE YOU F*CKING GOING BROWN"?
