A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw a prostitute and he asked "How much for a hand job?" The prostitute replied "100 Bucks" The man said "100 Dollars! That's a lot of money" So the prostitute pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" She said "200 dollars" "200 dollars! that's a lot of money" She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life On hist last day in Florida he returns to the prostitute and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." "1000 dollars' "1000 dollars! that's a hell of a lot of money" So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that island if i had a pussy."
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died. So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted." Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing." Then the lawyer said, [NSFW]“You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"[/NSFW]
I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass. The bloody dog had dug her up again.
I went into B n Q and asked for a bag of nails. "How long do you want them?" the assistant asked. "Forever" I replied
HELP PLEASE ! Lads n' Lasses, where is that post with all them top quality jokes on ? I can't find them anywhere....they were top notch man ! Any help please ?
do ya want me to tell all mine again? lol bart Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face"
When I was a small child I scared ****less of going to the dentist. [NSFW]cos he was a *****phile[/NSFW] I had a friend who was awesome with women, everytime he went out he got a shag, he could have any woman he wanted. [NSFW]cos he was a rapist[/NSFW]
