My wife asked, "Does my bum look big in this?" I asked, "Do you want the honest truth?" "Yes," she replied, "don't hold back." "Ok, I'm sleeping with your sister."
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner. An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus. The Tallaght man shouts, 'f**k off, I'm on disability benefit!
Two crocodiles were laying on the bank of the river Thames in London, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said "I can't understand how you came to be bigger than me, We're the same age, the same size as kids, so I just don't get it." "Well," said the big croc,' "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you", replied the small croc, "I catch them in the car park at Parliament. I crawl under one of the posh cars, wait until someone unlocks the car door, then I grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat them." "Aha," said the big croc, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting proper nourishment. You see, by the time you've finished shaking the **** out of a politician, all you've got left is an arsehole and a briefcase.
