For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
A young boy and girl were comparing Christmas presents. Girl: I got a brand new bicycle Boy: I got a boomerang Girl: I got 3 Barbie Dolls and her dream house and car Boy: I got a lot of candy and games Girl: My folks are taking me to Disneyland Boy, who is getting sick of her bragging - Pulls down his trousers and says: "Well, you don't have one of these!" The little girl starts crying and runs home. She returns 15 minutes later. She looks the boy in the eye and pulls down her pants, points and says: My Mom told me as long as I have one of these - I can get all of those that I want!
A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant."Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So,Murphy, how was your day?"Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. " The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor." The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy."Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor." Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!""" Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor." I put drops in her eyes."
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 61 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it". I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
A Sherriff come into town searching for a man. "I'm a-lookin' fer a man." "What's he alookin' like?" He's wearin' a brown paper shirt, and brown paper chaps an' wearin' a brown paper hat." "What's he wanted fer?" "Rustlin'".
today's looters have got it easy running out of stores with all those electrical goods, try running down the street with a colour t.v. in 1970
