Jokes

Stevie Wonder - 7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not ****ing that makes you blind.

 

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."

 

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

 

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i was summoned to the human resources office yesterday regarding my performance as a theatre set production manager, they said i was being unproductive and lacking in ideas and they put me on a warning....i didn't make a scene

 

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Had a "plant based" chicken leg from the chippy today, it was absolutely lovely.
The chippy owner assured me the chicken had been fed on nothing but corn since it hatched.

 

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....

 

Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid."
Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous."
Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water."
Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good.
The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy."
"That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric acid on my dogs bollocks and he passed a Ferrari."

 

Went to a muslim stag do the other night. It was wild. The stripper got her face out for the lads.

 

I walked into a Chemist and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the shop, there were NO Male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.??

She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,

“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..???

The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :-

• Free room and board,

• 1/3 ownership in the business,

• a Company Car,

• a King Size Bed, and

• £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.