The wife shouted at me because I didn’t open the car door for her mother. I said, ‘I’m sorry, love. I just panicked and swam to the surface’
was in a queue at asda yesterday and for some reason only one till was open to purchase alcohol, the lady serving was on the large size and when i finally got to the till she said "sorry about the wait" i replied "have you tried salad"
A friend of mine was unfairly sacked whilst working on the bumper cars at the local fair. He’s taking them to a tribunal for funfair dismissal......
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "****e, there's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
The Reverend John Lipps was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Lipps". The bartender nodded "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job".
There were two gay men in the bathroom at their home, and one was putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, “Why are you putting Vaseline on your chest?” The first gay man replied, “Didn’t you know that Vaseline helps you grow hair on your chest?” The other gay man said, “Well if that was a proven fact, then you should have a ponytail growing out of your ass!”
ordered a military fancy dress costume, but there was a bit of a cock up with the order half came as a 5th century warlord,the other part was a sisters of the holy order habit...to late to send it back so went as, attila the nun
an hindu bloke lives across the street from me bit of a nasty piece, by all accounts he is supposed to punch his mrs on the forehead at 5 o'clock. on the dot
