Jokes

thats a fib you have to give your name and number i heard the manager say No such number no such zone so they had a quarrel

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

My neighbour has one of those sit on mobility scooters and it's a bit of a souped up version, and when he goes to the supermarket he brags it does 30 aisles an hour

 

I wish they would. Have you ever been stuck behind one of these at the super-market?

 

Little Johnny comes home from school and asks his Dad for some help with his homework.

"Teacher says I have to be able to describe the difference between 'potentially' and 'reality' but I don't know where to start"

The Dad thinks for a moment and says "Son, take this question and ask your Mum, your sister and your brother the same thing and tell me what they all say" He writes on a card and sends the boy away to find the rest of the family.

Firstly the boy finds his brother and reads out "If you were paid a £1million quid would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" the brother thinks for a minute and says "for a million quid I'd do anything so count me in!"

The son then finds his mum in the bedroom and asks the same question "Well, if it was Brad Pitt I'd probably do it for much less but you can put me down as a yes!"

He then speaks to his sister and asks her the same thing to which she replies "Brad Pitt? OMG I totally would!"

The boy then takes his answers back to his dad and lets him know what he found out. "In that case son the answer to your home work is "Potentially we are sitting on 3million quid but in Reality we live with a homo and a couple of whores"

 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

 

With all this covid going on, we are late at putting up the Christmas decorations and can't really be bothered but like Jeffrey Epstein they don't hang themselves

 

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Three nuns all get written off in a car smash. The all knock on the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter takes one look at them:
"You can't judge a book by it's cover. I'll ask you one question each. If you answer correctly you can come in. If you answer incorrectly, you stoke coal for the rest of your days." Up steps the first nun.
"Who was the first man on earth?"
"Adam?" She ventures, uncertainly.
"You have answered correctly - welcome to Paradise." Up steps the second nun.
"Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Was it Eve?"
"Welcome to your eternal home. Please step forward."
Finally, Mother Superior steps forward, all confident.
"Mother Superior, think carefully. Here is your question: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Mother Superior goes as white as a ghost. After three hours, St. Peter looks at her sternly. "Well?"
"That's a hard one."
"Brilliant! Come on in!"

 

Was in the lobby of a hotel the other day and there was a crowd of chess players in there going on and on about how good they were at the game.....

There's nothing worse than Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer.........

 

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Was the wife's birthday the other day and before it she had said "if you're thinking of getting me something to wear I'm size 12, right, a size 12 ok"...... couldn't bloody win she didn't like the boots.

 

bet the dildo was a nice surprise though just couldn't resit mate

 

Ding-dong merrily on high.......................but not for you, Roger!!

 

now why would that be Brissy think well before answering or ill tell your missus to cut off your ration

 

The smell of man cheese is strong with this one Luke

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As I keep telling you, you ain't gonna see "on high", you've been a very naughty boy.

 

wayne rooney turned up at everton's training ground the other day, the security guard said "hi mr rooney not seen you here for awhile"....wayne said "yeah got a bit of unfinished business to do"......apparently it was with ethel the canteen lady aged 77