I genuinely think I'm going to lose my drivers license. This is all because of a stupid policeman. Let me first say that this altercation occurred late last night around 10 in Hackney, London. And that he wasn’t wearing a BodyCam. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I have reason to believe you’re drunk" Me: "No I’m not drunk, I haven’t had a drink today" Officer: "Ok, well I don’t have a breathalyser on me at this moment in time so let's do a little test before I call someone who does have one to come down. “Imagine driving in the dark at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is it?" Me: "A car" Officer:"Yes! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"How am I meant to know?, it’s dark" Officer:"So like I said, you're drunk" Me:"But I told you, I ain’t drunk anything" Officer:"Okay, one more test - Imagine, you’re driving in the dark at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it? Me:"A Motorbike" Officer:"yes! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"how the **** am I supposed to know, it’s dark!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get pissed off so I asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question - You're driving in the dark at night and see a woman at the side of the road. She wears a really really short skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute obviously" Me:"Yeah, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mum?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend on the 17th Sept
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties . An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ****er. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet. Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we hoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian! P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
