Two gays are having sex in an alleyway when they see a policeman walking towards them, they both panic and run like hell, trying to find somewhere to hide. The policeman sprints after them and manages to catch one, whom he beats to sh*t. When he is satisfied, the policeman stops pummeling the queen and pins him against the wall and shouts: "Where"s your fcuking boyfriend?! If I find him I"m gonna shove this truncheon right up his arse!" A voice from the darkness whispers:"I"m in the bin!"
Three contractors arrive to quote a job for a local council - one Lebanese, one Vietnamese and the other an Aussie. All bidding to repair a broken fence. They go with a council rep to examine the fence. The Lebanese contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me". The Vietnamese contractor does his own measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me". The Aussie contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the council rep and whispers: "$2,700". The rep, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" the Aussie explains "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the Vietnamese guy to do the work!" "Done!" And THAT is how government contracting works...
I was arrested after a speed dating session. Apparently, going up to a table, bending a girl over it, then taking her up the arse is not their idea of speed.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap and murder my mother-in-law who lives all alone at 48 Station Road, Apartment 32 on the 3rd floor, who's just won the lottery!
An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips his flies and starts pissing into the town fountain. A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."The Irishman shoves his cock back in his trousers and zips up. The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing."What"s so funny?" asked the cop. "Fooled you," says the Irishman, "I may have put it away but I didn"t stop."
I saw a load of Polish people the other day. I said to one of them, "why the fcuk don"t you lot go to France instead?" He said, ""cos, every time the French see a pole they stick a white flag on it!"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. All of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "are you OK Paddy? Is it dark down there?" To which Paddy replied, "I don"t know, I can"t see a fcukin" thing."
We"d just like to say thanks to Darren from Barnsley for not travelling to Australia with his girlfriend Jenny, she"s a fantastic shag! from Dave and the rest of the boys on Bondi.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.” The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,“And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!” “Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.........but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!”
HOW THE JEWS SANK THE TITANIC. The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate mutual dislike. Oncethey reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence... I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all the same!!'
For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman. The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.
I asked my barber the best thing for baldness. "Fanny juice!" he said. "Bollocks" I replied, "You"re balder than me!", "Yes, but what a magnificent moustache!" he quipped.
