One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don"t you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy"s thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that"s how you get babies." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that"s sweet, but that"s not how you get babies. That"s how you get jewelry."
Victoria Beckham was getting ready for a night out with David Beckham. She waltzed out the bathroom and said "David, does this tampon make me look fat?"
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
Man "Doctor, I can't stop myself shagging dogs!" Doctor "Good grief, how low can you get!" Man "Ooo I'd say a Daschund or a Chihuahua"
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “No Donald Trump!” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits! Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off. Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years- old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie"s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I"m asking for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "in Susie"s room. It"s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "okay then how will you live? You"re not old enough to get a job, You"ll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "our allowance: Susie makes five pounds a week and I make ten pounds a week. That"s about sixty pounds a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won"t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "that won"t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse."
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl. “Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.” The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tigger?”
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl. “Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.” The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tigger?”
A man gets home from work early one day and catches his wife in bed naked but alone. Being a little suspicious, he decides to look about the bedroom and, on entering the en suite bathroom, he catches a guy standing there totally naked. He says, "what the hell is going on here?" The guy replies, "it"s okay: I"m from the council, we have had a report that you have a moth infestation." The husband says, "but you"ve got no clothes on!" The guy begins to beat himself down furiously saying, "the little bastards."
An Israeli doctor once said "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work." The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all way behind us. Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland. Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!!"
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?" "Ummm... 4!" the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?" "Ummm... 10!" the blonde says. "Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" "Ummm... I don't know," she admits. "Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case !!"
If you ever feel like your Life is meaningless, worthless and totally pointless. * * Just remember there's someone out there fitting Indicators on BMWs.
One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse. Nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers.
George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred"s wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, George corners his neighbour on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge. That very evening, Fred noticed that George"s bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George"s wife in the act of performing oral sex. The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night." George replies, "Ha Ha Ha, Liar! I wasn"t home last night..."
