A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true" the woman wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so". The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
I turned to the wife the other night and said "I"m going down the pub, get your coat" "Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink?" she asked. "No, I"m turning the heating off"
Two cannibals come across a missionary in the jungle. After killing the man, they decide to split the body evenly. "Look," said one cannibal. "I"ll start at the head, and you start at the feet, and we"ll meet in the middle." So the two begin to devour the man"s body. After a short while, the cannibal at the head looks up and says, "How"s it going down there?" "I"m having a ball!" replied the other. "No!" shouted the first cannibal. "You"re eating too fast!"
A meteor struck Earth and the sole surviving man wakes up to see himself surrounded by hundreds mutated cannibals ready to eat him alive at any second. The man was in shock, and whispered to himself, "Oh my God... I"m fcuked. "The clouds parted and a ray of light made its way down to where the man was. Gods voice spoke to him saying "No.. you are not fcuked, don"t worry. Throw that piece of rock in front of you as hard as you can to the cannibal with the biggest head mask." The man hits the Chief of the tribe right on the forehead with the rock. And with that, he collapsed to the floor. God: "Now you"re fcuked."
My New Year's Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sexual stamina. Day 7 and so far so good. I just hope I can keep it up!
There is an old United fan dying. So he calls his United friends and asks them to do one last thing for him. They say, "yes of course, what is it?" So he asks for a Liverpool shirt. His friends say, "that's a bit weird? Because he has been the biggest United fan his whole life!" But because he is dying they accept and get him a shirt. After the old man puts on the Liverpool shirt, one of his friends asks him, "why change teams right before you die?" He says, "better one of those cnuts dying, than one of us!"
I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else. Fu*king referees.
Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?" The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water." The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn"t know that!" A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?" The older father, rather agitated by his son"s curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says... Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks. The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?" "Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier..." A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?" "Dad.... What the fcuk are we doing in a zoo then?"
I used that new Lynx deodorant with a touch of chocolate last night. My mates were pissing themselves, I pulled every fat bird in the club.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin'.
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that fu*ckin' dog".
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"
Putting the Christmas decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the Radio Times dating back from 1974 or, as its now called, The Sex Offenders Register.
Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer; that way, when she goes to get one, you'll get a great view of her arse.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes
Scottish insults: She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla"s back Look"s like she"s been dooking for apples in a chip pan Had more hands up her than sooty! She"s got a face that could make an onion cry. Mair chins than a Chinese phone book She smells like an alkies carpet It"s like shaggin a pail of water. It"s like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak! she"s killed more cocks than a fowl butcher Fanny like a ripped out fireplace She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant She"s seen more helmets than Hitler Face like a stuntman"s knee She"s got a fanny like a badly packed kebab Like opening the window and shagging the night Fanny like a clown"s pocket Fanny like a Hippo"s yawn She"s that ugly not even a sniper would take her out She"s done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout A fanny like a burst couch Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd"s shotgun
A guy escapes from an asylum and goes on the run After a few days he walks into a village and hides in the launderette. He takes a few women hostage and over a few days has his wicked way with them. One morning he sees the police are at the front of the launderette,so runs out of the back door and hides. The newspaper headline the next morning read. Nut screws washers & bolts
I was very naive sexually when younger. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary. So I buggered off to Africa for 6 months...
Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." Harry says, "that's inflation for you." Grandma says," it's nothing to do with inflation, it's all them f*cking security cameras they have nowadays."
