A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fu*k!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?
Today i found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I've been banned from the gym.
Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn"t seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it"s obvious," says the lifeguard, "You"re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They"re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em. I"m tellin" ya mate...you"ll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What"s wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"
I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana. Now after twenty years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it....
Scientists have found that more & more woman are developing "Hoover disease". After years of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise & don't suck any more !
A man walks into a shop and ponders at the confectionary at the counter. He says, "I"ll have a Twirl and a Boost, please." The shopkeeper gayly spins round, points and says, " Honey, you look fabulous today!"
During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.....
Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: Lady - Hello I"d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved? Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in? Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B.Hospital - I"ll just put you through to the nurse station. Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help? Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved? Nurse - I"ll just check her notes. I"m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree"s conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow. Lady - Oh that"s wonderful news, I"m so happy, thankyou ever so much! Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative? Lady - No, I"m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you **** all in here.........."
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack. That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
My wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed licking a lollipop then she slowly started to slide it in her fa*ny. "Steady on love" I said "You're going to need that when you cross the kids over the road for school in the morning..
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?
Superman was patrolling the skies above New York, He sees Wonder Woman sun bathing naked on a sky scraper. He thought that if he travelled at the speed of light he could give her one, and be away before she knew what had happened! So in he flew, emptied his load and flew off again. Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?" "No idea," said the Invisible man, "but fcuk, my arse hurts."
What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus? One has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus
