A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!..... Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
I told my wife that when I die I'm leaving everything to her. She said, "you do that now you lazy bast*rd!"
I don"t know what"s wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting "Oi, you ****er!" and "Oi, you dirty twat!". Why can"t they let me masturbate in peace?
We're so skint at the moment that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year. If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.
Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?
I asked my barber the best thing for baldness. "Fanny juice!" he said. "Bollocks" I replied, "You"re balder than me!", "Yes, but what a magnificent moustache!" he quipped.
An Essex guy and an Essex girl are making out in his car when the girl says, "Put your finger inside of me!" He is only too willing to oblige. "Put another finger inside of me!" So he does."Put your whole hand inside of me!" she says, moaning in pleasure. "Now put both hands inside of me!" she screams. "Now clap!" she gasps."I can"t clap!" replied the guy. "Tight, aren"t I?" she smiles.
I don"t want to perpetuate the stereotype of all Essex girls being filthy girls, but one time I raped a girl from Romford, and afterwards she gave me her phone number.
An Irish family has died of hypothermia outside Dublin Odeon Cinema, after queuing 3 weeks to see......... "Closed for the Winter"
I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning. The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p. I replied that she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound.!!
Somebody broke into my house last night and helped themselves to my traditional festive German bread containing dried fruit and dusted with powdered sugar. Police believe it may have been stollen to order.
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried. Apparently, "balls deep in 'er at number sixteen" wasn't the correct answer.
I bought a pair of trainers from the local drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray. The next day in court the judge asks the best man his version of events....... Judge: So then , please tell me your side of the story .BM: well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did....... ok i admit i was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of knowwhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy Judge: Gosh says the judge that must of hurt.. BM: Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !
Things you can only say at Christmas: 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in. 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
3 men die on Christmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something that represents Christmas" The English man flicks on his lighter and says "Its a candle" St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman takes out his keys and jingles them and says "Christmas bells". St Peter lets him pass. The Irishman takes out his 10" cock. St Peter says "How does that represent Christmas" Mick replies "Its a ****in cracker isn't it"
God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND GIVE HER A KISS" Adam asked "Lord, what's a kiss?" God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden. 10 minutes later he returned and said "Thankyou Lord, that was good" Next day God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN FOR A GOOD FUMBLE" Adam asked "Lord, what's a fumble?" God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden. 20 minutes later he returned and said "Thankyou Lord, that was good" Next day God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND PROCREATE WITH HER" Adam asked "Lord, what's Procreate?" God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden. 30 seconds later he returned and said "Lord, what's a headache?"
Dear Santa, please log in to view this image How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. *Merry Christmas,* Santa Claus *** Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa
