As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you"re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it"s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he"s gentle like he promised he"d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he"s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it"s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
A young social worker from a big city was transferred to a tiny community in northern Ontario. while out touring her new area she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. intrigued she went up and knocked on the door. "anybody home" she called out. "yep" came a child's voice from behind the door. "is your father in" she asked. "Pa, nope he left before Ma came in" said the kid. "well is your mother there" persisted the woman. "Ma, nope, she left just afore I got here" he said. "but", protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family" "sure, but not here", he said through the door. "Because I'm taking a dump this is the s**t house""
A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called, 'Husband- the Master of the House?' Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"
A father is sitting watching Star Wars with his two young sons. During an exciting scene, the kids are jumping around and they say to their father, "Daddy! Daddy! We wish we were shot into space!" The father replies, "you would have been if I had not been so pissed."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself". Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"
A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep. "Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we"re with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fcuk it from behind. "Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it ."Well it"s bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fcuks it like that." The Student replies "Why don"t you fcuk it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Fcuk it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"
On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely fu*k all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Little Johnny walked into his dad"s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife. Johnny"s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied,"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fcuk him?"
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy” Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Dammit” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Oh God, this is gettin' worse,” he slurs. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. “I’ll never make it home,” he mumbles amid more curses. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and grunts “No way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “Maybe I can just can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “To hell with it” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, “I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head’s throbbin’. But how’d ye know?” “Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub...
I see there is a big football match on tonight- Russia V Sweden. Apparantly its got citizens from both nations totally gripped- which would explain why most of London"s prostitutes have taken the night off....
This VW Bug pulled up beside this Rolls at a red light, rolled down his window and asked the Rolls driver, "You got a telephone in that Rolls?" "Matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me." said the Rolls driver. "Me too," said the VW Driver, "You got a TV in that Rolls?" The Rolls, "Yes I do, right here on the dash." "Me too," said the VW, "You got a twin bed in the back seat?" Rolls, "No, I do not." "I do" said the VW as the light turns green and he takes off. The Rolls manages to get the license number. The Rolls heads straight to the Auto Accessory Store not to let the VW Bug out do him. "Yes" the accessory attendant said, "We do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your Rolls." So, after about a week the Rolls driver picked up his Rolls with the newly installed twin bed and immediately set out to locate that VW Bug. He finally located it parked in the park near the river. As he pulled up beside it he noted that the windows were all fogged over. Knowing what causes this he waited a few minutes. Finally he got out, walked over to the VW, knocked on the window, no response. He waited another few minutes, knocked on the window again. The window lowered a couple inches and the driver said, "Yes?" The Rolls driver said, "I wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Rolls now." The VW frowns and says, "You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
A travelling salesman was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out" said the traveller "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality". The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie" shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality". The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal. Jeannie girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now" said the Highlander "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality". No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality" he roared "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor".
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "that"s a docile old thing, isn"t it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it"s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why, just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
DRINK DRIVING WARNING I know we car owners are responsible, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before... I left my motorbike in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.. I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
I hate strip clubs. I can't touch her, she can't touch me, I can't touch myself, and I have to give her all my cash. It's just like being home with the wife.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out thatshe's pregnant !!!!!! She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator forNew York ....now this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: 'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant andit's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?' There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me? 'Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audiblewhisper, he asks: 'Who's speaking?'
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you"ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He"s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That"s remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn"t think anybody could celebrate that long."
