I asked the missus what she wanted for Christmas, "Just get me something that starts with a D and ends in O" gave me a sexy wink and left it at that. Does anyone know where I can buy a Didgeridoo?
An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser. The barman replied "You"re American aren"t you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?" The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fcuk I have ever seen."
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I went to Cash Converters today trying to raise some much needed cash for Christmas. They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun
A ventriloquist is touring his act, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, Ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this i'm talking to that little sh*t sitting on your knee
One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?" The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!""I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed. "Fcuk me now," she said, "fcuk me hard up the bum!" The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits. "But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied. "I don"t care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally. The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?" "DON"T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FcuKING CROSS!" he replied.
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just **** in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'
I've just watched a 2 hour joke (a silent film for the first 91 minutes) on BT sport and missed the punch line right at the end.
So good to see you again PM we've missed you - tonight's result might bring the return of a few more of your brothers - we need help
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?" "No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?" "No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
My mate is flogging Welsh DVD's. Anyone want any? He's got: Nine and a Half Leeks Trefforest Gump The Lost Boyos Dai Hard Sheepless in Seattle Dai's of Thunder The Magic Rhonddabout Independence Dai and of course, the classic - The Sheepshag Redemption!
My daughter had a charades party for her birthday. After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads. It would seem, that holding my cock and ****ing, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary glitter.
One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge." I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?
A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid. The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother." "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?" "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I really do hope it's me this year....
CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’t GiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.
