A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."
40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord." 5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the fecking gates!"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."
After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table, and getting violently ****ed up the arse. Sometimes, I think my mate Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously!
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball, and a sheeps penis last night. Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers. Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use, "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.
I took my boy to see Father Christmas yesterday and he absolutely stank of booze and cigarettes. F*ck knows what Father Christmas thought of him!
My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his milkfloat were the worst three hours of my life.
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little ****!" A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny"s bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to. Little Johnny smiles, "It"s not so fu**ing funny when it"s YOUR mum, is it?"
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Your Flight will non-stop from London Heathrow to Shannon, Ireland . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH,FECK OH MY FECK !!!!!!!!!' ...Silence followed! ... Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled... 'For feck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!.
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Little Johnny was playing with something in the road. The local vicar came up to him and said, "hello, little Johnny. What"s that your playing with?" Little Johnny replied, "it`s Sulphuric acid." "You mustn"t play with that," gasped the vicar, "it"s dangerous" Little Johhny says,"hey, I don"t tell you not to play with holy water!" The vicar says, "no, because holy water is good. The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman"s tummy and she passed a baby boy." "Well..." says little Johnny "...the other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs Bollocks and he passed a Ferrari."
Little Johnny takes his girlfriend to his house to meet his parents but warns her that they're both deaf and dumb. They get there and walk into the living room. Mum has a beer bottle up her fanny and Dad has his nuts hanging out and a match propping one eye open. His girlfriend says, "what the fcuk is this?" Johnny replies, "oh, it's sign language: Mum is saying "Get the beers in ya cnut" and Dad is saying "Bollocks, I"m watching the match!""
I'm selling my pet python on ebay. Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?" I said, "Massive." He said, "How many feet?" I said, "None, it's a f*cking snake you idiot!"
