Off Topic Jokes thread

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A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain.

Guy: "Captain, Captain!, there's no women on board what will be do for pleasure???"

Captain: "Ohh... don't worry me laddie just stick your dick in that barrel and everything will be alright

So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to the captain and says "Captain, Captain, I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened".

Captain: "Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel"......

 

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Blind, my arse !

 

I was in Turkey last week on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!

 

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman.

The sex is great but it ain't easy getting her husband's voice right !!!

 

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I bumped into an old mate in town earlier. I asked him what he was up to nowadays.

"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol, that sort of thing".

"Charity work ?"

"No, Wetherspoons"

 

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An Aussie guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

 

Caster Semenya has expressed her anger and disappointment at the IAAF's decision to limit natural occurring testosterone levels in female athletes.

" This is a real kick in the bollocks for me" said Semenya