A man and his wife went to the ticket office at Plymouth football ground and, handing over a £20 note, said "Two, please." "Thank you," said the man at the ticket office. "Would you like the goalkeeper and the centre forward, or are there two other players you'd had your eyes on instead?"
As I'm not getting any younger I've been putting something away every month for a rainy day. So far, I've got 34 umbrellas and 18 pairs of wellies.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong in fact as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, which is now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in County Mayo.
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking crack and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison...."
Walking past Wormwood Scrubs the other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall. He looked at me and sneered. I thought that's a little condescending.
A cop pulled me over on the road; I was speeding. He said: "Papers.". I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away."
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN
Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing difficult surgeries they had performed over the years. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Toronto. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said, "That's nothing.... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics" The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs...Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour... all I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass... I was able to put them together and now ……………………He's running for president of the USA!
After no dates or sex for 5 years, a woman goes to see the Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says, "Harro! Peese take off all u crose, get down n craw reery reery fast to ovva side of room" The woman does this. "OK, u craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yew probrem vewy bewy bad, worse case od Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man. " Oh my God, what is Ed Zachary disease" she says. Dr Chand say "It is when u face rook Ed Zachary like u rarse
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above. "To be sure I am," replied Murphy. "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher. "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously. That's disgusting shouts the girl. Its the dog, the guy claims. Don't blame the fuc*ing dog she yells. It was cooked perfectly.
I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. Its very rewarding, but quite challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE! Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the Tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good." "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness. "That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill Him!"
