This bloke said to me, "I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar." I said, "Is that a fret?"....
A lorry containing Vanish has crashed and shed it's load in Surrey. Police say Staines has completely disappeared.......
A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend taking a dump and crying his eyes out. "What's wrong with you?" he asks. His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and says "I've just dumped my girlfriend."
What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross? "Don"t touch my fcuking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,"No, no, no, you"re gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you"d hold your husband"s penis. "The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you"re supposed to!"
I was sitting next to a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other. So I turned to him and said, "are you a trifle deaf?" He said, "no, I"m mentally ill as it happens."
How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man? When the nappy goes from the arse to the head......
