I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turnoff - 500 metres". Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
A guy is sitting in a bar one evening on his own. He keeps catching the eye of a lady at the far end of the bar. This goes on for quite some time, before he musters up the courage to go over to her. "Hi, what brings a beautiful woman like you here?" he asks "I"ve broken up with my boyfriend, so I"m just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom." "Wow, I"m here for the same reason - my girlfriend"s just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!" They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening. As she goes to leave, she asks if he"d like to come back to hers and he accepts. When they get back to her place she motions to the sofa and says, "I"ll be right out, just going to get ready." She goes into the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp outfit, Viagra, and a leather dominatrix outfit. When she comes out, the man is heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" she asks. "Well," says the man, "I"ve shagged your dog taken a dump in your handbag - I"m off."
I once knew a Swiss woman who could open a bottle in her cleavage, take a stone from a horses hoof with her finger and take a screw out with her thumb She was a Swiss Army Wife
The BBC are always rejecting my sitcom ideas. Now they don't like three female cops dealing with crime in Lancashire. I had such hopes for Chorley's Angels...
I spoke to an immigrant this morning. I said, "what part of this country do you think best represents Great Britain?" He said, "ten Downing Street." I said, "why do you say that?" He said ""cos they"ll let any idiot in."
I asked my deaf/mute neighbour to stop parking his car on my drive. He got quite angry,you should have seen the language.
