They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Little Old Lady In Court... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.
A man reaches his 40th birthday and is somewhat disappointed to still be a virgin and living with his elderly parents. Having just been paid he decides to venture down to the local brothel and lose his virginity to some nice young lady. Half an hour later he finds himself lying on a bed with a gorgeous brunette slowly stripping in front of him. Unable to contain himself he straight away goes for her hatchet wound, much like a thirsty dog lapping at a bowl of water on a hot summers day. Within seconds he finds something a bit distasteful within her, but being inexperienced for all he knows it could be normal so he continues. This happens for a while, until eventually he comes across a large piece of sweetcorn. He turns to the prostitute and says "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She replies "I"m not, but the last guy who was in here was".
