I was walking through the city last week when I came across a Muslim Bookstore. I was wondering what sort of titles they had so I went in for a look. As I was wandering around taking a look, the assistant stopped me and asked if he could help. I imagined I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of the Australian Immigration Department's policy on refugees and illegal immigrants?" The assistant said "F*ck off, get out and stay out". I said "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'. At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question:Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,"It might be nice to have another child. "On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock
A young man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice... "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at him. He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" He responded in a very loud voice: "$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then he whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to really screw people".
Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?" Customer:"I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her upper thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!" Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!" Customer:"Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes..." she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat".
There is an international beer conference. After a full day of meetings and workshops, three beer representatives go out for a drink. The waiter asks the Miller rep what he wants. He say, “Give me a Miller High Life.” The waiter asks the Budweiser rep what he wants. He says, “Give me a Bud Lite.” Then the waiter asks the Guinness rep what he wants. “I’ll have a Diet Coke.” When the waiter leaves, the two reps ask the Guinness guy why he ordered a Coke. “Well,” says the Irishman, “I thought I’d avoid a beer since neither of you was having one.”
A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey. The woman signalled "No!" desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head "No!!" With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bottom. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!"
Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly. Bruce says; "What are you watching that **** for? You can't cook to save your life!." To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"
For his birthday little Freddy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a £500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Freddy heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Freddy told him "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £500k mortgage and no fu*king bike!"
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her opening. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new soddin' boat," I thought to myself.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration. So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says "I have the perfect pet for you, sir" disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog. "A frog?" he asks disbelievingly. "Ah" says the salesman "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund". Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say "Excuse me". He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again "Pardon me". The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming... from the frog? "Yes, over here". Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him. "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there". The man is confused. "You...you talk?" The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--" The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?" The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different". Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvellously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humorous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised. Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat. "I wonder..." it begins tentatively "I wonder if you would mind very much..." "What is it?" the man asks. "Well" the frog says "I feel so close to you... I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together... I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you... do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?" Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough. "Excuse me" the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?" The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to... that is... you see, I've always been kissed good night, before". The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog". The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..." Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog... *****!!* When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him. "And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."
The essential difference between a wife a lover and a mistress. A lover says "do it faster!!!!!!!!!!" A mistress says "give it harder!!" A wife says "Beige yes Beige I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige"
Seems that Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He spent several days thinking on the problem and come up with an idea. Leaning over to his phone, he called the Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizable donation "Hello, my son?" "Hello, your Grace, I am calling because I would like to make a sizable donation to the Roman Catholic Church". "How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?" "Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?" "One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!" "But there is one little string attached..." "Oh?" "You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'". "Oh, I see..." The Pope covers the microphone and yells to the Cardinal attending him "How long do we still have on that Wonder Bread contract?"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage. Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be able to separate." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 'Nope...just when it's raining.'
A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick" a very agitated voice on the other end said. "My dog has swallowed a condom". "Is he in distress?" the vet asked". "You don't understand" the voice said. "My dog has swallowed a condom". "Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal". "Please come quick" the voice went on undeterred. "The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed". Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again. "About the dog that swallowed the condom" said the voice, it was a lot calmer now. "Panic over, we've found another one in the drawer".
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
Three women go to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University Of Illinois School Of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde (of course), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in".
Thoughts on the England Slovakia game. This is like watching my dog hump a cushion. There's a lot of effort involved but no chance of anything going where it needs to. On the other side of the ledger. Meanwhile, in Moscow. Putin adds finishing touches to his "Wales has always been part of Russia" speech .
