An army sergeant walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him. Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute waiting for him on the bed. He says, "My name is Sgt Dick, been in the army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. Immediately his penis becomes instantly erect! The prostitute is in awe and asks how he can do it. The Sgt Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the army thirty years and I have total control over my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE." His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over what she saw and asks him to make it hard then soft then hard again. She asks him again how he does it. The Sgt Major shouts, "I have already told you honey, I have been in the army thirty years, and I am master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. His penis goes instantly hard. Then he gives the following command, "DICK- AT EASE!" The Sgt Major looks down and is amazed to see his penis is fully erect. The Sgt Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK-AT EASE!" No luck. His penis is still hard. He yells "God Dammit!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending". He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
Diary of a Viagra Housewife... Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. (Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know!) I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Cleopatra's Needle and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.) Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you! Day 10 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Day 11 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Joan Simms isn't working. What am I gonna do? Day 12 The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark. Day 13 I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker. Day 15 I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me! Day 16 Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days. Day 17 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Mother Theresa revs his motor. Day 20 I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: STIFF. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket!
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram home!
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would like to come in the house and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. "For a £50 tip" the cabby agreed. Quietly entering the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the covers back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He's the one who paid for the Mercedes I gave you. He paid for the new 36' SeaRay. He paid for your Football season tickets. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you do?" The cabby said "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Davis family bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue," have this. I stood like that for two days at the Davis house and nobody offered me a damned thing."
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... Grandpa GO HOME!!!!!
A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labour. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says, "Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the milkman dead on their lawn.
Two female friends went to the cinema and were watching the movie, when a guy came in and sat next to one of the females. After a while one of females whispered to her friend, the guy sitting next to me is doing some thing in his trousers. The friend said, "Just ignore him." She said "I cant, he is using my hand."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the ****"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
An Argyle and an Exeter a fan are walking down the street when the Argyle fan says, "Look, a dead bird!" So the Exeter fan looks up.
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked : "How many children do you have ?” He answered : "12 children”. The agent asked "Where are the others ? The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother”. And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying. MORAL : It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie ...they are creative ....
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight". That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. "Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's 'Kathy.'
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumoured that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". Theoperator says, "How do you know?" The man says... "The sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up!"
Two male golfers met in the clubhouse and seeing they were going to have a solo round each decided to pair up and play with each other. The teed off and started their round - there then came a problem the pair on front of them were horrendously slow and by the 7th hole they had had enough. The first guy says "well I've had enough of this I'm going to tell them to bugger off or let us play through" So of he storms but comes back very quickly stating "I can't say anything one of them is my wife and the other my mistress!!!" The other guys says "No worries I'm on my way I'll bloody well tell them" Two minutes later he also returns rather quickly and says "Small world isn't it?"
