Off Topic Jokes thread

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb".

The operator asks "is it tickin?".

Paddy says "No I tink it's beef!"

 

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.''Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?''Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Hari and me!''Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that..''Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.''Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?''It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.''Tripod?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'Mrs. Patel fainted!

 

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

 

Waiting in a lay-by ready to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his siren and flashing lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Madam," the policeman replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!", the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The policeman, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the policeman for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, madam, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We've just come off the A120."

 

Is he a virgin then ?

 

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.

 

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

 

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a s*it."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"

 

Why did the English wear red coats in battle?
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers....