Priest hole is the term given to hiding places for priests built into many of the principal Catholic houses of England during the period when Catholics were persecuted by law in England, from the beginning of the reign of Queen Elizabeth I in 1558. Choir boys will tell you it means something completely different now.
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
The wife came in the bedroom last night and said, "****ing hell, it stinks of your arse in here, I'm sleeping in the spare room." I had the bed to myself and a nice wake-up w**k this morning. Curry and a pint for lunch again today, I think.
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied "No, I didn't knowd that". The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said "To Memphis". The cop said "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis". So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis". And to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun that I'm taking him to the circus!"
I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner'.
Blonde in church An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Death: It's your time. give me your hand Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die! Death: Holy ****! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five! Blonde: *high fives* Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "What a beautiful baby". The mother said "Why, thank you, Johnnie" Johnnie said "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes" the mother replied "We are so thankful, the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'' "That's great" said Little Johnnie "'coz he'd be totally fu**ed if he needed glasses!"
Let's get something straight... there is no such thing as premature ejaculation. When I cum, it is bang on time! Just because you can't keep up, you silly woman, it's not my problem. I got what I came for and I set a personal best too!
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem with that strategy: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began it understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but could not do anything - it was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning all who were on board - except the magician, who found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea. As fate would have it, the parrot also survived and, when the sun came up, he spotted the one safe harbor on the open ocean - the same piece of wood. He landed and shared the space with the magician. They stared at each other with hatred, but neither of them uttered a word. This went on for a day, and then two days, and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer. "OK, I give up" the parrot said to the magician. "Great new trick. Now where the hell is the ship?"
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete twat of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
Kiss Me Hardy This year, in October, we celebrate the 210th Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies. But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in October 2015 ? Picture the scene:... October 21st 2008 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir." N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?" H: "Sorry sir" N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments." N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle." H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking." N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead." H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir." N: "For ****'s sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest." H: "Not possible, sir." N: "What??" H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay." H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir." N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd." H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled" N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card." H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons." H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." N: "What? This is mutiny!" H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" H: "Actually, sir, we're not" N: "What??" H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself." H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge." N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King." H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life." N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment." N: "What about sodomy?" H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir." N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical. I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. Amazed by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!" "No" the woman replied "I'm just a really, really ****ty golfer".
The wife and I had been thinking that it was about time that we told our teenage son that he was adopted. We sat him down and I said, "Son, there is something that your mother and I want to say and I want you to know this is the hardest thing we've ever had to do." He said, "I know what you're going to say... It's true, I'm gay." I said, "Well, thanks for making what I'm about to do a f*****g pleasure."
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
I was playing golf with Father Jones and I was telling him the history of our local course. "This hole is only 11 years old and is known as 'The choirboy' because the wind through the trees make it sound like a choirboy singing. " Probably a mistake telling him, the c**t got a hole in one.
I've been suffering from insomnia for the past four days and haven't had a wink of sleep. Out of total despair I call the NHS 111 helpline. A fat lot of good they were. Their advice? Lie down right on the edge of your bed - you'll soon drop off!
My first sexual experience with an older lady, I'll never forget it.... I pulled her in close and kissed her passionately, I felt her heart pounding against my chest... my hand wandered from her side and I began to lift up her skirt... I gently placed my hand between her legs, her panties were already soaked so I started to rub my finger back and forth... "Mmm, you're so wet" I said. "You would be too if you'd ran out of incontinence pads, dear" she lamented.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is". Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"
