Colin was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to now. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it". So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Colin says. "President Obama" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes" Colin says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go. At the White House, Barack Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up". Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope". And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the fu*k's that on the balcony with Colin?"
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour Madame'
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. SHWOOOOP! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent... then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender shakes his head in dismay. SHWOOOOP! SHWOOOOP! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. SHWOOOOP! SHWOOOOP! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "That boy should have quit while he was a head".
My mate and I spotted a woman going past in the pub. "I'd give her one" I said. "I heard that!" she shouted, stomping over. "Have you two saddos got nothing better to do than sit there perving at girls?" "You misunderstand," I said, "we're picking out the ones who could do with a gastric band."
Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says "Have you got a tight unshaven twat?" Woman replies "Yes, he's watching television - who shall I say is calling?"
The council estate I live on is quite rough, only this morning on my way to the paper shop, I heard a voice shout "Oi you horrible ugly fat c**t!" I turned round and replied "Morning vicar."
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de-icer, rock salt, torch with spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit, jumper leads. I looked a right twat on the bus this morning......
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park. The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says: "I tell you what; let's go and screw those boys" The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered: "Out of what?"
Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse, the doctor takes a look and says "F*ck me, that's gone up a fairway!!"
Father and son are at home watching Father Ted. Son asks his dad, "Is it true that Ted is dead?" Father says, "Yes son he is." "Is he in Heaven?" asks the son. Father says, "Of course he is, he is not a real Priest."
In bed with my Chinese girlfriend I happened to remark that her fa*ny seemed to be getting bigger. She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?" Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" says an elderly nun in the back. "I am so tired of chardonnay".
My mates were taking the piss out of a German guy on the train, making jokes about the War and stuff. He looked at us and said, "You know, there really is no pleasure to be gained in boasting about winning two World Wars." How the f**k would he know
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Do not worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you". So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs is her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest". "Do not worry, Maria" says the mother "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you". So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs is her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Do not worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you". So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother............ "This is a job for Mama!"
An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good." I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now," she purred. "Okay," I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..." "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!! She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a ****?" "I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".
A 65 foot wide sinkhole has opened up in a street in St Albans. Police say they are looking into it.....
I was so confident that we'd win our next match, I decided we'd practice our goal celebrations. "Right, just like the professionals, when you score you pull your shirt over your heads," I said. "But coach, we haven't scored all season and we go through this routine every training session," came a reply. "Samantha," I said, "That's not the spirit I'm looking for in the Girls under 14's."
Sixth grade science teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, asked her class "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until Mary stood up and said "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Sister Mary Joseph ignored her and asked the question again "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Mary's mouth fell open "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!" Sister ignored her again and continued "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye". Sister said "Very good, Billy". She then turned to Mary and said "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed".
