Paddy & Mick are in the pub celebrating the yes vote for gay marriage. "Oi think it's great dat gays can now marry," says Paddy. "Oi agree," says Mick, "but oi'm confused." "What's confusing you, Mick?" asks Paddy. "Well, Paddy, which one wears the engagement ring?" "Easy," says Paddy, "the one who pops the question gives the udder one the ring." "And which one wears a wedding dress?" asks Mick. "Easy again," says Paddy, "the one who got the engagement ring wears the dress." "Ah," says Mick, "oi think I'm getting this - so the one with the ring and the dress also gets taken up the aisle?" "That's quite enough," says Paddy. "I don't mind discussing the ceremony but not the consummation
As a bagpiper, Jim play many gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Southwest of Western Australia. As Jim was not familiar with the backwoods of the Southwest, he got lost and didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere to be seen. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Jim didn't know what else to do, so he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he had never played before for this homeless man. And as he played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, Jim wept, we all wept together. When Jim finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full. As Jim opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".
You have just reminded me of the definition of a gentleman; Someone who can play the bagpipes, but chooses not to.
Paddy walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" "Why sure," said the manager, "I have a hanger you can use." A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how Paddy was doing. He heard another voice - Mick was inside the car, saying "No, no! A little more to the left."
The Reverend John Lipps was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Lipps". The bartender nodded "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job".
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a ****ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
I'm sweating like... a dyslexic on Countdown Neil Lennon's postman a ***** in a playground a fat man at a buffet a nun at a cucumber stall Gary Glitter in Mothercare a fat bird at a disco Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah a Muslim at passport control a blind lesbian in a fish market/sushi bar a Scouser in Dixons a gerbil in a gay bar a Geordie in a job centre a dog outside a Chinese restaurant a priest at a boy-scout meeting Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah a Scouser watching Crimewatch Jade Goody's stylist Jade Goody trying to buy life insurance a racist in Bradford a Jew in a shower a Brazilian on a tube train Peter Sutcliffe in a red light district a fat bird on E a car windscreen in Liverpool Francesca speeding down a hill on a makeshift sledge an African child whose village is being visited by Madonna Benitez at a press conference a ticking Muslim an Arab taking flying lessons a Scouser in a terraced stand
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed. Donna, my lovely wife said, "Mike you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said "That bas*ard next door still has my fuc*ing shovel!".
THE LINEUP: In lane 1: Passionate Lady. In lane 2: Bare Belly. In lane 3: Silk Panties. In lane 4: Conscience. In lane 5: Jockey Shorts. In lane 6: Clean Sheets. In lane 7: Thighs. In lane 8: Big Dick. In lane 9: Heavy Bosom. In lane 10: Merry Cherry. AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF. Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot... AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick... AT THE STRETCH: It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming... AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma" he asked "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"
British Army answering machine message Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers: If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines. If it is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1. If your enquiry is not urgent. Press 3 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps. Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station. Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well," said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband- he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen. The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped. The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered. The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"
It was my wife's funeral. I was standing next to her casket in the church when her sexy little cousin approached me. "There's no need for you to be.. lonely, Jim. Now Maureen's gone." she said, fingering my tie. "I don't think I'm quite ready yet" I replied. "I need a bit more time." "I'm sorry.." she muttered. "Too soon?" "Yeah. Your sister's just blew me in the vestry so give me ten minutes."
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I did the London Marathon this year. I was about halfway through when I needed a ****, so I thought I'd quickly nip down a sidestreet. I'd just finished squeezing one out when I noticed a few African blokes staring at me with confused looks on their faces. I wasn't bothered. I just pulled my pants up, jumped back on my police bike and sped back to the front of the race.
Two 16 year old girls are at School. One is really posh, while the other is a bit of a slapper. The teacher asks the posh one to give her a sentence with the word 'improper' in it. She replies in her posh accent "My brother let off some wind at the dinner table, I thought that most improper". The teacher then gives the same question to the slapper, who says "Last night, my bloke was shagging me from behind, and when I felt his bollocks slapping against my arse, i knew he was inproper."
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor" the man said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!" "Nonsense" the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations". "Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months". "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently... "It's rust!"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" he added. "What? Get the hell out of my cab!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman replied, "Okay," and off they went. As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
