So, the Movember Moustache will finally be shaven off at midnight thank God. I'm so happy, my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.
Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage? Because they have already experienced pain and bought jewellery.
My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box. They told me it was an action man deserter.
The Americans have George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder... We have Phillip Hammond, No Cash, No Hope and No Fcuking Wonder..
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It"s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie"s lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you"re doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
A man is sitting on a plane waiting to get served for drinks but he notices that the refreshments cart seems to have stopped well in front of him. He looks to the front of the plane where all of the air hostesses seem to be running around after one of the passengers who is bossing them around. When he looks closer, he notices that the passenger is a very rude parrot. "Get me a whiskey now bitch!" screamed the parrot, and she hurried off rather nervously to get it. "Get me some peanuts you whore!" he screamed to another girl, and again in fear of the horrible parrot she rushed off to get some. The man thought to himself that if he tried the same approach as the parrot then he might get served. The next time an air hostess walked past the man shouted, "Hey slag! Get me a beer!" The air hostess instantly burst into tears and ran to the front of the plane and into the cockpit. A few minutes later the co-pilot and several air hostesses walked back out of the cockpit, grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they began falling towards earth the parrot turned to the nervous looking man and said, "well, you"re a cheeky fucuker for someone who can"t fly!"
