There's some thieving bastards where I live. Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka. I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.
I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying "Please don"t bend" I thought "How the fcuk am I going to pick it up then?"
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I"m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy. "A few days later the regular teacher is still sick - when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That"s right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Please remember a doggy is not just for christmas. ... Its a fcuking great position all the year round!!
3 men die on Christmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something that represents Christmas" The English man flicks on his lighter and says "Its a candle" St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman takes out his keys and jingles them and says "Christmas bells". St Peter lets him pass. The Irishman takes out his 10" cock. St Peter says "How does that represent Christmas" Mick replies "Its a fcukin cracker isn't it"
My next door neighbour has had the London A-Z Atlas tattooed on his back. He's a bit of a weirdo, but at least you know where you are with him!
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear"Give us a kiss, luv!" "No!", replied the nurse "Oh go on!", said the man "No!", replied the nurse again "Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?" "For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn"t even be wnaking you off!"
My horoscope said my ex would pop up, I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio: 1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
