My local pub is rough as f*ck. I went to the quiz the other night and the first question asked was, "What the f*ck are you looking at?"
Details have been released about the death of Fats Domino. Apparently he collapsed into a family member, who collapsed into another family member, who collapsed into another family member.......
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
So let me see if I"ve got this straight about the Church of England. They are short of good Bishops, people who wear big red frocks and parade up and down generally making themselves the centre of attention, spending half their time getting involved in trivial arguments about what flowers should go where or droning on at a bored audience. But they don"t want women or gays doing it? Talk about making life difficult for yourself...
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until i saw the red spot on her head and realised she was just on standby!!
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre.
Going to War over Religion is basically killing one another to see who"s got the better imaginary friend...
My wife said she was bored this morning so I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?" She said "It"s fcuking minus 2 out there - I"ll freeze to death or drown!" I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort; companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord. "Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job", said The Lord. "Thank You, O Great One" replied St. Peter."I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter O Lord. "You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man"s", said The Lord. "The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord. "Two hundred, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman", said The Lord." And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet", enquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?,� asked The Lord. "Seventy five, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter. "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, do the same for woman", said The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman"s genitals", enquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn"t we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord. "Yes, O Lord", said St. Peter. "No, wait." said The Lord. "Fcuk it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name."
