A group of Hooded teenagers just came up to me outside the shop and asked if I'd get some bangers for them if they gave me the money. Should of seen their faces when I came out with 5 packs of sausages.
Why the f*ck do people say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him?" They might as well just say, "He's a W*nker, but you'll get used to him."
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:- 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 3. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Crying is blackmail. 6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 11. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 12. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
Recent studies have show that weight loss can boost a man's sexual health........... So ladies, get the f*ck down the gym.
Treat life"s problems like your dog would. If you can"t eat it or fcuk it, just piss on it and walk away.
When I was naughty at school, the headmaster used to give me "six of the best". Now I"m grown up I bet I could take the other 2 inches.
Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters the other night after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, f*ck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they took those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing. "Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd. "Your thong," I replied with a wink. Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me. It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
