A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy Class piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the back of mine!"
I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart. "You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said. "I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit." "We're on our f*cking honeymoon," I replied!!......
I went to my next door neighbours BBQ today. “Did you bring any beer?” He asked. “No,” I replied, “I was chilling out indoors and I couldn’t be bothered to walk to the shop.” “You must be the laziest bastard in the world,” He said. “Yeah, the taxi driver just told me the same thing.”
