Manchester City fans preparing for their first home game of the season. please log in to view this image
My appointment for Job Seekers Allowance is at 10am every other Wednesday and I'm there promptly at 9.55am, yet I'm still kept waiting until 10.30 to sign on. It's a disgrace. Don't they know some of us have got f*cking jobs to go to?
9 things I hate about everyone..... 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid £8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor you daft twat. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here you tosser.
I attended a speech at a local wheelchair convention about benefit cheats. When the guy finished I gave him a standing ovation. Then the b*stard reported me for benefit fraud!
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion! He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous. Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F*ck" or "F*cking" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my Dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.
My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
I put this ad in a lonely hearts column in the local paper. 'I like to go for long walks stopping regularly for nice cool drinks. I enjoy good food and at the end of a day I would love to curl up on the sofa with you and stroke your hair.' I only got one reply. ....From a Golden Retriever.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you. They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies......................... 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
I wonder if any Policeman has ever managed to keep a straight face while telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.
