Did you hear the counselling course for self-harmers is fully booked? Those who missed out are kicking themselves.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
I thought Neymar was just something Geordie lads say to their Mum's when they get asked have they been on the gear.
In Holland, sex and drugs are readily available on the high street, often from the same place. Imagine how disappointed Dutch visitors to the UK must be when they walk into their first branch of ScrewFix.
........20 Signs You're Getting Old......... 20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can"t smoke any of them. 19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question. 18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 16. You hear your favourite song in a lift. 15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up." 14. You"re the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won"t turn down the stereo. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers. 11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt. 10. You take naps. 9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one. 8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 7. You go to the chemist"s for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 6. A $2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 4. "I just can"t drink the way I used to" replaces "I"m never going to drink that much again." 3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 2. When you find out your friend"s missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh f*ck, what happened?" And the number one sign you are getting old is: 1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn"t apply to you and can"t find one.
You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
