A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes!
A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver: "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
BBC News: An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert. A spokesman said "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling."
Just heard that Liverpool have had to turn down a £27million sponsorship deal with a leading dog food brand. A club spokesman said, "Having WINALOT printed on the shirts would be just taking the piss!!"
A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach. As the boy walks along the shingle, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, happy with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the sea to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted, I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic. I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon. I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes feckin mental....... Women?!?!?!
A married couple have been together for years. One morning, the husband is reading his newspaper when his wife tells him "I wish I were your newspaper, then you"d give me your full attention for hours every day." "Oh, that"s nice darling," says the man. "You know, I wish I could have a wife like a newspaper." "Oh yes," says the woman. "Because then you"d be able to put your hands all over me every day?" "No," says the husband. "Because then I could throw out the old one every night and pick up a nice, fresh, new one every morning."
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still f*cking talking aren"t you?"
A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,"No, no, no, you"re gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you"d hold your husband"s penis." The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft ."That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you"re supposed to!"
I was in a restaurant last night and I called the waiter over, I said "theres a worm in my pie" , the waiter said " I think you"ll find that its fat" , I said " its entitled to be , its eaten all the f*cking meat!"
