Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion. God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
When David Cameron turned up at Buckingham Palace yesterday the Duke of Edinburgh answered the door and said.. "F**k it's you, I was hoping for the Farage fellow"
Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a ****.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".
A teacher asks her class...." Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?" Little Paddy raises his hand..."yes miss, it's Trudy Glen"... "No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion" "But miss, what about the song?" Robin Hood, Robin Hood,riding Trudy Glen!"
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can... but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse".
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..?
I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up. I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation." "Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me." "I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner."
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "Its golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Liverpool TV upchummming schedule 9.00am To Buy Or Not To Buy. Today it's Nathaniel Clyne. 10.00 Animal Rescue Squad. This week the team saves a bunch of donkeys at Anfield. 11.00 Cash In The Attic. We join Brendan as he searches his loft for much-needed transfer funds. 12.00 Loose Women. Four old windbags sit around doing nothing and talking rubbish...... Yes, we catch up with the Liverpool back four at another corner. 1.00pm Doctors. We get the latest on Stevie G and Fernando Torres from the Anfield medical team. 1.45 Give Us A Clue. Charades quiz where Liverpool players try to work out what their manager's strange signals on the touchline actually mean. 2.15 Cooking The Books. The cookery show that takes a peek into Liverpool's finances. 3.00 Relocation Relocation. Today Phil and Kirsty help a frustrated Dutch winger find a new home in Europe. 3.45 Countdown. The clock's ticking for Brendan as he joins Susie Dent in dictionary corner. 5.00 Fifteen To One. Bookies give their odds on Liverpool finishing in the top four. 5.30 Neighbours. We take a look across Stanley Park to see how a club should be run. 6.00 Home And Away. This week Alf Stewart debates whether Liverpool are better at Anfield or away from it. 6.30 A Placenta In The Sun. Amanda Lamb joins Glen Johnson as he tours Europe looking for more crackpot cures for injuries. 7.00 Europa League. Liverpool take on FC Nooneyou'veheardof. 9.00 The Hotel Inspector. Sammy Lee travels into the backwaters of Europe to try and find suitable accommodation for Liverpool's Europa League stars. 11.00 Mock The Weak. United, City and Everton fans run the rule over Liverpool's recent performances.
If I make a mistake I like to rectify it as soon as possible. On Monday I missed the bus On Tuesday I went to the gun shop and bought a new sight for my rifle
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where". "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy" admitted the manager "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you". "No problem" the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it". The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better". The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me".
Rumours that after the match the Newcastle United squad was seen successfully seducing young women in a Geordie nightclub with one-liners have been completely refuted by their manager, John Carver. He states: “I find it totally preposterous to suggest that any of our players could make a successful pass to, or at anyone.”
What does your daddy do for a living day at the primary school. Becky walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My dad is a fireman and he saves people's lives rescuing them from burning buildings". That's lovely says the teacher. Billy walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My daddy is a lifeboat man and he rescues people from the stormy seas". That's lovely says the teacher. Finally little Johnny walks slowly to the front of the class and mumbles as softly as he can "My daddy is a lap dancer in a gay club and he makes other men happy". Giggles around the classroom and the teacher ends the lesson, sending the class out for an early break time. She grabs Johnny's arm as he walks past and pulls him to one side. "Now Johnny", she says, "It's not really true that your daddy is a lap dancer in a gay bar, is it"? Reluctantly Johnny says "No Miss". "He actually plays for Newcastle Utd, but I couldn't tell them that could I !!!!!!"
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
They had a contest the other day at the Senior Citizens Centre. I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was out of the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.” The elderly lady hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.”
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system and ham radio were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was a heatwaveoutside, so I couldn't play Bowls ............... I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.................
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."
