Off Topic Jokes thread

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse".
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse". "How in the hell" asked his angry friend "Could it have been worse?" "Well" replied Frank "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'

 

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber,
who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited o me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.” “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that ****ty haircut?”

 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

 

Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?"
Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon".
Teacher: "Wow! What a choice.... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?"
Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning".

 

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied "Get weighed". So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said "One hundred and twenty pounds". Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed" she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied.

 

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need, a new suit". He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit". The salesman eyed him briefly and said "Let's see... size 44 long". Joe laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job".
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 18 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job".
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 9 1/2... wide". Joe was astonished "That's right , how did you know?" "It's my job".
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said "Sure". The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old".
The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!"

His wife asks him "What are you watching?"

Husband replies "Our wedding video".

 

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

 

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me!"
"Just wonderful" says his mum "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry". "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day". Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"