Today I came out from the local supermarket, standing beside the car watching another car coming straight towards me, crashing into the car, and making a total mess of the rear end of the car. A young man comes running out of the other car, he was out practicing driving with his older brother. I asked them if they were ok, which they luckily were. The oldest immediately offered me $1500 for the damages, without having to call the insurance company or the police. I said that would be quite ok, I've been young and have had accidents too. The oldest ran to the ATM, and came back with cash, he shook my hand and said I was a wonderful human being. Then they left, happy and relieved. It was a rather funny situation, but I still wonder who is the owner of the car that they hit!
A mother & her son were flying on Virgin from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother & asked: "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The stewardess smiled sweetly & asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes she did.' 'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because Virgin always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'
please log in to view this image –Your grandma wore very short mini skirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra... –She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Rolling Stones. –She rode on motorcycles and fast cars. –She smoked tobacco and other things... –She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever... –She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning... Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma. Excuse me but someone had to say it!
New age dictionary ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles an hour, However humans don't feel the effect of it. Until the 9th or 10th pint.
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum. As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared .The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. "And I'm sorry, they turned you down."
