A married couple were getting ready for work when he looked at her and said, "I gotta have you! Now!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and had his way. He was glad he did, because she screamed and wiggled more than he'd ever seen before. As he dressed, he noticed his wife was still writhing against the door. He said, "Honey, that was the best! You have never moved like that before. I didn't hurt you, did I?" She replied, "No. I'll be okay as soon as I get this doorknob out of my arse!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem... A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"... The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint... A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit... The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"... Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint... The couple days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of raspberry caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775 " he said. "Very good!" "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961". The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do". She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs". "WHO SAID THAT? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up "General MacArthur, 1945". At that point, a student in the back said "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991". Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004". The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said "Oh s*it, we're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly "The Labour party if Scotland goes independent".
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
