Off Topic Jokes thread

They stole my idea!

Beep!

 

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford doing 110 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye-liner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and scalded Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!

 

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Cars, which sold the delightful Plymouth. She got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.
She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger". The owner replies "Well, let's see... oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What colour do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact colour to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says "I want this colour sonny". Nathan replies "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this colour". "But ma'am, they didn't make that colour! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot.
One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

I'll
Get
My
Coat

 

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

 

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said "Whatcha got there son?"
Johnny said "Got me some chicken wire". "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch... with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.
About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape". "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.
About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said "Got me some pussy willow". The old man said "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"

 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $200?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200".
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

 

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear...................... "No, I Norwegian."

 

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute, but I worked both sides of the river!"

 

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."
A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."