I’ve been offered a job by the MD of “the brittle bone society” £1000 per week plus expenses… I snapped his fuc*ing hand off...
I asked my wife what women really wanted. She said 'attentive lovers'. Or ' a tent of lovers', or something. I wasn't really listening....
An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession. Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies. “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused. The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled. Organisers were unable to agree if The Jam or Cream should go on first!
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "£80" the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral today and hissed under her breath, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you flipping pay for this!" This just came out of the blue For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done to annoy her so much Then it struck me.... Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.....
