# Hello taxis. # Oh hi. Could I have a taxi at wetherspoons please. # Certainly sir. And where are you going? # The gents.
Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate. I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.
My wife came back from shopping, she said.. “I’ve just seen my gynaecologist in Tescos and he recognised me!” I said.. “you’ll have to start wearing longer skirts!”
My teacher said I’d never be able to do poetry because of my dyslexia. I sure showed her! So far I’ve made two pots and an ashtray.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved. I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two,” said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
Ted.. What did you say to Frank? He's in a terrible state Bob...Well he said he's got little bumps all over his body and I said my uncle had that and he was dead the next week Ted... Well you didn't have to tell him he died from it Bob... He didn't, he was hit by a bus
I’m a big fan of 1960’s tv Western series and googled ‘Bonanza’ and ‘Wagon Train’ However, I don’t recommend searching for ‘Whiplash’ and Rawhide’..........
An elderly man in Northern Australia had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back which was properly shaped for swimming, so he'd fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and it was fruit picking season. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some of the fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Then holding up the bucket, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...' Some men may be old but can still think fast.
